Indecision, waffling, hesitation, vacillation. So is the story of my academic life.
Professorship holds intense significance, and it is not for everyone (or even for most). But is it for me? This is an issue that I have been wrestling for > 6 years now.
My peers often have quick answers when it comes to questions about their future. They speak with assurance and smile about their goals and future lives.
If you look for me, you will find me sitting on the sideline, weighing my options in my size medium hands. Three years ago, I would have told you that I didn’t know if I could be a professor. I wasn’t confident in my abilities, and I hadn’t experienced the satisfaction that comes with research success and good story-telling.
My graduate advisor, over the years, has pushed the professorship issue. He lobbies for it. He asks me to take the plunge. He tells me that I would be good at it, and that I worry about too many things.
Although I am cognizant of my advisor’s activities in the context of teaching and mentoring graduate students, I used to lack an awareness of all of the other components of the life of a professor. I was concerned about my ability to succeed at everything I didn’t know about.
One day in early May 2007, I was wondering aimlessly on the internets and happened upon the Blogger Blogs of Note page. Enter FemaleScienceProfessor. For sure, she is an anonymous person that has had serious (and clarifying) impact upon my life. She has made professorship more transparent to the average observer, and she has shared enough for me to know that I am capable.
Which brings me to today. I am getting older and more experienced in the ways and burdens of adulthood. I regard life as a complex prism of needs, wants, actions, and consequences. So today, if you asked me, I would tell you that, yes, I believe that I could make a fine professor. I would also tell you that I don’t know if I want to.
I do not know what such a decision would do to my life, and most importantly, to my family. My husband has already sacrificed so much for my current position- am I to ask him to continue? Am I to suggest that he follow my indecisive ass all over the country in pursuit of a dream I never knew I had? And what about my (future) children? The quality of my presence declines significantly with less than seven hours of sleep, so may God bless the children of my professorial body. I have to wonder how exactly they will be affected by my career choices.
And then there is my garden. I cannot imagine a happy life for me without my squirrel-attracting tomatoes and enough zucchini to send my husband screaming down the block.
The real question, the only question is: Can I have it All?
5 comments:
I can relate. But I think I've pretty much decided that I don't want to be a professor. Those "can I have it all" feelings persist though, because I still want a research career, just not in academia.
Did you submit this for scientiae? It fits this month's theme (at Ficka Mawa's blog, A Cat Nap).
Definitely a good post. There's so much that we doubt about ourselves for the lack of role models. It's one of the main reasons I'm keeping a presence in the blogosphere. People here are doing the type of things I want to do most.
Yes, it's submitted to the carnival. I've been wanting to talk about it anyway, so there it is.
I didn't realize how much I would appreciate the presence of the online blogging world before I got into it. I just thought I had some interesting things to say and that I wanted to write them down... but I didn't anticipate how much I would get in return.
Hi Candid Engineer, and welcome to the blogosphere! Thanks for your submission to the carnival. I've been reading some of your older posts and we have a lot in common. I'll definitely be back to check it out more.
p.s. I also thought I wanted to write down the things I had to say and was surprised by how much I got in return. The blogosphere has since been a valuable tool for introspection, advice, a support network, and lots of insight. It's great!
Leave every door that you can open- even if you decide you don't want to pursue an academic career right now, you never know what will happen in the future!
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