In short, her answer was that no, there are no real caveats. She said that the only real "issue" was the confusion/mistakes that would undoubtedly crop up from time to time when people who don't know you refer to either you or your husband by the wrong name. She emphasized that it was not really a true issue at all, and that it was important to keep a sense of humor about the whole thing. Although she was more often the victim of wrong-name-calling than her husband, she related a story in which she had made arrangements for a vacation. Upon arriving at their destination, she and her husband were greeted with a big sign that said "Welcome Mr. and Mrs. HerLastName!!!"
And I remember thinking at the time: this is all well and good. This is something that I can handle. My sense of humor is totally in tact.
So I went ahead and kept my name.
And yes, the occasional "mistakes" happen, but really not that often, and they aren't a big deal. I haven't had any children yet, but all in all I'd say that I'm completely satisfied with my choice.
But there is one thing that I didn't anticipate. I didn't anticipate that the entirety of my husband's family and a portion of my own would refuse to call me by the name that I have chosen to keep. It's one thing when strangers fuck up your name, because really, they don't know any better. But it's an entirely different beast when people who are supposed to be close to you, people who are aware of your choice simply opt to disregard that choice. And every time a family member calls me the wrong name or writes the wrong name on a wedding invitation, it's like I've been sent an urgent memo from that person:
To: Candid Engineer
From: Your Relative
Re: Your Name
Date: Today, Always, and Forever
I DISAPPROVE OF YOUR CHOICE. I DO NOT ACCEPT YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE, AND I NEED YOU TO CONFORM TO MY EXPECTATIONS.
Maybe it bothers me more than it should, but it feels like a slap in the face every time it happens.
Even more challenging than the memos from my own family members are the memos from my husband's. During the entire length of our relationship, my husband and I have not lived in close geographical proximity to his family. As such, we see them 1-2 times per year. I have had to work really hard to get to know his family (given our limited opportunities to interact and the natural differences that exist between his family dynamics and my own). And even after 5+ years of occasional interactions, I feel like I am still trying to fit in.
And I struggle with trying to fit in with a group of people who clearly think I made an inappropriate choice; who clearly don't care to accept this part of who I am.
And yes, it's just a name. Somehow it is so small yet so big all at once. And if I can't be accepted for something as small as my name, how can I expect to be accepted for the bigger and more complicated parts of who I am?
It saddens me.
24 comments:
There was an excellent article by Nancy Gibbs in a recent issue of Time Magazine about exactly this issue. Her point was that Woman's Rights movement has come along so far that these issues have ceased to matter.
Why do you care what your relatives think about your name? I guess, we, as a society, have come to understand that keeping the maiden name does not mean that you are a rebel feminist and nor does taking your husband's name is equivalent to a subservient attitude to the man in the house!
I kept my maiden name, and I know that my family is happy with that choice and my in-laws generally don't care. However, when family from either side addresses formal letters to us, they address it to Mr. and Mrs. HisLastName because that's what they have been taught to do. For them at least, it doesn't mean anything about what they think about my choice, even though it does still bristle me a little, especially in the first couple of years. Actually, come to think of it, the last couple of letters I got from both sides were addressed to MyFirstName MyLastName & HisFirstName HisLastName. So maybe they've had some time to think about the implications of not changing my last name.
I also recommend to any heterosexual couple wanting to take the woman's last name or each keep their original last name: tell your families that you're thinking of creating an entirely new last name, to totally horrify them, then come back later and say you'll just keep your own names (or take her name) and the option will seem much more pleasant to them :).
As for why do we care about this: I'm not sure. I guess I want to have good relationships with my family members, and I want there to be understanding between us. Mostly, I want them to understand that I'm a person with my own ambitions. I want them to understand who I am.
I have the same problem. My SIL disapproves of my choice (and I know this, because she told my cousin). And it drives me slightly batty to see Mr. And Mrs. Spit on the envelope.
Argh.
I'm sorry, CE - that's awful that both his family and some of yours do that.
I know when I was deciding whether to take my husband's name (which I did), I was really irked by the assumption by family that I would take his name, and also by the assumption of colleagues and others that I wouldn't. It took me the whole year between our engagement and our wedding to decide for myself and not worry about what others think.
Yet, it still bothers me when people call me by my maiden name - like my choice to take my husband's name is archaic and they don't agree with it. Funny how, no matter what our choices are, someone will be offended.
I'm pretty sure some of my family was disappointed that I DID take Mrs Hyde. My mother sometimes addresses letters to Ms Jekyll and Mr Hyde, as it were. So agreed with Alyssa, someone will be annoyed at you no matter what.
That said, having a work identity and a home identity means I'm never really annoyed when someone calls me by whatever name, because they're both accurate in some sense :)
Really nice post. I totally understand where you are coming from- not so much about the name specifically, but with that whole concept of people who are supposedly the closest to you not knowing or accepting who you really are.
I suppose I've come to an equilibrium with this though- in the sense that I know who I am, I like who I am, and although what you write above does hurt from time to time, I know I'm not going to be able to change anyone's mind about me.
I also kept my name when I got married, mostly because I was creeped out by the idea that someone could tell that I was married by looking at my CV. My husband didn't care, and his mom kept her name she she got married so there was even precedent. It has worked out very well so far.
It doesn't bother me when people call me Mrs. HisLastName though. I thought it would, but I actually find it kind of cute. When it's his family I think "oh how nice they would think of me as one of them!" When it's my family I'm slightly confused but I feel like they are trying to include my husband and are acknowledging that I'm an adult.
I guess that's the advantage to hyphenating. At least when things are addressed in my husband's last name, it's at least *part* of my last name.
I have had one real incident (my older son has my ex-husband's last name). I brought my son to the airport, and a TSA employee was freaking out that I was bringing a child with me with a different last name. Apparently she thought I was kidnapping him. Fortunately, her supervisor told her to take a chill pill.
CE, this is a great post. I feel like the choice to keep or change our names is a very sensitive decision. When I got married I chose to take my husband's name. Most of his family and friends had made the opposite decision, and I actually felt a little awkward when I told them, worried that I would seem old-fashioned or "quaint" in their eyes. The reaction to my decision was very mixed, however. Some, more recently married women who had kept their names, immediately responded by justifying their decision to me (I guess they felt self-conscious too). Others made open remarks that my decision was surprising (and wrong) given my career choice.
In my family, and among my friends, everyone has changed their name, so my decision seemed natural to them. Although, my Dad was a little saddened when my first article was published and he somehow assumed it would be under my maiden name (his name), and I had to tell him it was under my married name.
Hang in there. And if you get the chance, let your family know how you feel. I just had a relative ask if I should be addressed (formally) as Dr. after I graduate. Although I felt a little pompous, the answer was yes. So, let your family know they need to keep referring to you by your maiden name. They'll come around.
are you me? i could have written this exact post.
I had exactly this same experience. Never really had any problems with strangers though except telemarketers calling for my husband. The rest of the time, when mistakes were made, I was called "Mrs. MyLastName." Luckily, that is no longer my mother's name either so that didn't bother me that much.
But our families did the same thing. It didn't bother me when his family did it because I expected it and thought of it more as them wanting to see me as family. I was really only bothered when my mother and father would send mail to me like a birthday card and address it to me using his last name. But for me it wasn't about not respecting my choice - to me it felt more like the opposite of what his family was doing, like they were saying "Why would you use your birth last name? That's not your family name anymore."
But I'm weird and family is a sensitive issue for me.
My boyfriend and I have thought about switching last names...hehe imagine the reaction the parents would have to THAT!!
Some people are just creepy arrogant assholes who cannot comprehend that anyone would make choices other than the ones that they consider appropriate. It sucks when these people are members of one's own family.
I chose to take my husband's last name, but it took me several months to decide. Other people have very strong opinions on this issue, and like a previous poster mentioned, it took me some time to separate out my feelings from others' opinions. And, there are still some people who continue to use my maiden name because they don't agree with my decision. You really can't make everyone happy, so why bother to try?
The thing that ended up deciding it for me was talking to my female advisor who kept her last name. She got married later in life, after she was already quite established in her field; I, on the other hand, was still in grad school with only one minor publication from undergrad. Also, she mentioned how, when her family travels, they have to take her daughter's birth certificate, because they've been held up in the past while traveling (apparently, father and daughter with same last name and women with a different last name often signals parental kidnapping in many countries).
I changed my last name when I got married, frankly because I didn't really care what my last name was. (I'm sure this implies something about me.) What I remember thinking was really funny at the time (though it turns out this is common advice from academics), is that this gung-ho reseacher I knew said I better hurry up and get married before I started publishing or it would mess with my publication record. I laughed when he said this. Then realized he was dead serious. This particular guy has given his life over to science, but to me it was hilarious that I would ever plan something important in my personal life around something like papers. Who cares?!
I'm sorry your family members don't understand your personal choices. Just be your usual candid self and they'll eventually get over it and be won over by your charm... or won't. But then you can just shrug and move on.
An interesting trivia: in Japan women do not have a choice even today, they have to take their husband's name.
There are many discussions now about changing the law (as they have a new government) and many people are opposed to such law as they think that the idea of a woman keeping her own name upon marriage as too revolutionary and un-traditional.
We are lucky we have a choice!
(I kept my own name as I quite like it and because I could not be bothered to change it in all the institutions - too much hassle!)
I did take my husband's last name. Like Femgineer, I didn't really care about my last name (and, no, I don't know what that says about me). I, too, get a lot of hassle about my decision. Sometimes I get mail from his family and mine addressed to Ms. Amanda FathersLastName. I got some hassle from people in my program. It's hurtful every time that people do not respect my decision. I'm sorry to hear that it's not any easier with having decided to keep your last name.
However, what bothers me the most is when we get mail addressed to Mr. and Mrs. HisFirstName OurLastName. It makes me feel like I'm not even a person. I especially hate getting mail addressed to Mrs. HisFirstName OurLastName. If it's mail for me, shouldn't it be addressed (at least) to Mrs. Amanda LadyScientist?
I liked the "adding his name to mine" and enter the land of Mrs Hisname and Dr Myname. Then again, I got married sort of late, had published and all in all it was a very good thing that I didn't remove my maiden name since it ended....
ah well, it's silly that people don't respect YOUR choice in any event! It's something up to the couple/woman and what fits her/them, I think.
Then again, I guess that is partly because I like my maiden name?
Bit off topic and more in pop therapy field, but, from experience, I tend to find that we worry far more about our partner's family than they do about us. If they're decent people, I am quite certain they probably just want more time and opportunities to get to know you. They may even feel (subconsciously) snubbed by you! I know my mother feels that her children in law should be the ones who visit and contact her, even when I point out that she doesn't do much to include them. As for understanding and enjoying the complicated parts of your character, I am not sure that battle is won with one's own family let alone someone else's, but I definitely think more quality time and lowered expectations would help!
Well, I'm glad it's not just me. I wasn't too surprised when most of my husbands family chose not to acknowledge my decision to keep my last name, but I have been quite surprised by the number of people in my own family don't.
I try not to get overly irritated by it, but it's hard not to take it personally.
I know when my wife took my name I was very happy and proud. A friend of mine just got married and his wife did not take his name, I know he was disappointed but there is not much he can say.
I think if it is important to a man to retain the family name he should try to find a younger woman preferably under 30, younger women tend to be more flexible. Also,If the husband plans on going into politics, a wife with a different name turns into a liability, and if she changes it when he goes into politics it looks phony.
A couple notes:
To DrL @ 5:38. My understanding is that in Japan it is a legal requirement that both spouses have the same last name, but it is NOT required that the woman be the one to change her name. Though much rarer, there certainly are cases where the man takes the woman's name (if her family name will die out or if he's marrying into a business where that family name is important, for instance).
I kept my maiden name for many reasons. My daughter has my husband's last name, the vet thinks the cats have my last name. Thus, school people call me Mrs. Hislast, and the vet calls him Mr. Mylast. In general, I don't care, except for being mildly irritated by one (but only one) member of his family that insists on referring to us as "Dr. and Mrs. Hisfirst Hislast", robbing me of my forename, surname and doctorate in one fell swoop.
I did very much appreciate my 89 year-old grandmother who came up to me at our reception and said "I'm writing you and Husband a check, and I thought I'd make sure what your name is before I write it" Yay for grandmothers who are aware of the changes going on around them!
I am very happy that even my relative in her 90s can figure it out and the family that blows the name thing is on my spouse's side...
(oh, and there are still some of our neighbors that think our family shares HerLastName.)
re: alleged "confusion". maybe it exists but it is not in any sense a functional confusion. it has no impact. i never get wtf people are on about when they refer to it being "confusing" if not everyone in the family has the same last name. we've been at this awhile, have kids, have kids in school, etc. nobody is confused in any meaningful sense.
I'm quite shocked by your story! I also kept my name but none of our families seemed to care. I think they might have found it weird in the beginning, I'm the first family member to dare doing it!, but they came to realize it really doesn't matter. I hope the same will happen with you at some point. We have lots of occasions where we are MR and MRS mysurname, but we don't even notice anymore.
Our children have both our family names with a hifen, I think that's the thing our families were more concerned about. So everybody is happy this way :-)
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