Roger That

ROGERS.

It's what my cell phone says when I'll be charged $10/minute if I dare to make a call. (As to who Roger is, I have no idea.)

I'm in the sticks.

So there will be silence around here, except for the sounds of crickets and crackling campfires.

It Takes Two to Tango

Last year, my lab received of a very large sum of research money geared toward the study of Mangos. Because the funding agency wants our lab to make significant progress in the study of Mangos, they have plunked down enough cash to support an army of researchers who are intended to work in parallel (and presumably in harmony) to investigate various aspects of Mango science. This has resulted in the unusual situation of a large number of postdocs joining our lab within a span of 6 months, all of which are intended to work on the Mango problem. I haven’t seen any claws come out yet, but I get the feeling that these conditions will create the inevitable perfect storm.

Since shortly after my arrival in the lab, the postdocs on the Mango project have been jockeying for position. The situation has gotten more complicated and disconcerting as the months have passed and more troops have arrived. It helps that the Mango personnel come from a variety of backgrounds (and thus are interested and capable of performing different aspects of Mango research). However, the whole point of having such a diverse group of people work on the same problem is the potential (and, perhaps, necessity) of interdisciplinary collaboration. I have been getting the impression that most of the Mango researchers would rather shoot themselves in the foot than collaborate with one of their colleagues.

For example, my forte lies in the area of Mango distribution. Once I have the Mangos in hand, I can separate and allocate the Mangos, and give people the right number of Mangos for their household. But before I can do any of this, the Mango trees must be grown, and the Mango fruits must be harvested. I have very little experience with Mango growth and harvest, and it would make a lot of sense to work in collaboration with my colleagues who specialize in these areas. Unfortunately, the Mango growers and harvesters in my lab like to keep all of the Mangos to themselves, in the hopes that they will suddenly acquire skills in Mango distribution. I don’t think these people will be very good Mango distributers, and I think it’s silly that they horde all of the Mangos.

All of this talk of Mangos is retarded.

Of course, it is no surprise that the goal of many of the postdocs here is to obtain quality first author publications. I think that many of the postdocs are focusing too much on the first author part of the equation and not enough on the quality. Research stories are always more interesting when they are multi-faceted, robust efforts that combine the strengths of various disciplines. I personally wouldn’t have an issue with farming out a small part of my research plan to someone who is an expert in that particular experiment. I would know that I conceived of the idea and plan, would perform most of the experiments, and would write up the manuscript. It is ludicrous to think that asking for assistance is the equivalent of relinquishing first authorship. Perhaps these postdocs have the ‘if I give an inch, they’ll take a yard’ mentality… but I don’t buy it.

I was shocked this week when one of my more challenging colleagues approached me about a collaboration. Specifically, said colleague wanted to try a variation on one of the experiments I do with something that s/he had made, except s/he didn’t want to take the time to figure out the experiments for herself. After I got over my initial shock, I agreed to help my colleague. I don’t think there’s much of a chance of the work being successful, but it will require minimal effort on my part, and there is the chance that I will get my name on a paper if things pan out. Seems like a win/win for both of us.

Hit the Road, MAC

Hit the road, MAC,
And don’t you come back
No more, no more, no more, no more!

I thought that I was blessed when MAC graduated from the lab and was presumably going to move on with his life. By as the gods would have it, I will get no respite; I shall have no peace. I am destined to be tortured by his existence from now until kingdom come.

Apparently, MAC is having a hard time moving with his cheese. MAC is not ready to leave the cozy environment of Famous Professor’s Lab. It seems as if his new colleagues are not taking so well to his arrogant, bullying, and impossible personality. He isn’t king in his new position, and so he is coming back to torment us.

He still shows up at every group meeting. I am tired of hearing his over-entitled opinions and listening to him preach his knowledge when he isn’t even the presenter. I am tired of listening to him put other people’s work down while congratulating himself for his incredible (lack of) awesomeness. He still comes to lab social events, where he plagues me with requests to find him a wife and insists on being the center of attention. He still shows up in the lab to do experiments and boss people around and yell at me when I don’t have time to talk to him and pay homage to his ability to obtain a calibration curve.

I have put up with all of this. I have tried to ignore it.

Today, however, he really pushed my buttons. Apparently, he had been checking out my graduate publications online. He came to me today, wanting to discuss the contents of said publications. I thought, fine, an unusual request to learn more about someone other than himself- I will indulge him.

I do not want to get into the details of the conversation. Suffice it to say that he insulted the quality of my work, the substance of my Ph.D., and the types of journals that contain my work. What angers me all the more is that his unkind words are spoken in such a backhanded way that it makes it difficult for me to defend myself. Because, in all honesty, I would like to tell him how I feel. I would like to nitpick his journal publication record and make claims of his ignorance. I would like to tell him that he is a horrible colleague that doesn’t know how to talk to people.

Here is undoubtedly what happened: MAC went online and for whatever reason chose to look up my publication credentials. MAC read my publications. Although my publications are not in the upper echelons of journals, they are printed in quality, respected journals with good track records. He undoubtedly noticed that, despite the lack of a flashy journal name, my graduate work was good stuff: robust manuscripts with a lot of informative data, nicely laid out, with some interesting answers to (what I think are) important questions. MAC probably started to feel pretty insecure about his accomplishments in comparison to mine. MAC felt the need to seek me out and put me down to make himself feel better.

I am trying my best not to take this personally, because I know that the only person responsible for his behavior today is him. It is hard, though, to keep my confidence up in a lab filled with smart people when I am only just now getting my legs back under me. The only things I know to do are what I’ve been trained to do: continue to ask important questions, try my best to accomplish meaningful things, and avoid punching my labmate in the face.

Because let me tell you, dear readers… I could take him.

Harnessing the Power of Bullshit

Ladies and gentleman*, it is with a squeal of delight that I inform you of the completion of my fellowship application. After toiling incessantly for the last 5 days on the beastly cryptic application, I have walked away a little bit impressed with my ability to bullshit like a pro. Although it seemed like a lot of work, it took significantly less effort than it would have a couple of years ago.

The downside to working on such an optimistic, fudge-filled piece of writing for such a long stretch of time is that I'm having trouble letting go of my 'application speak' in normal conversation. A sample exchange from my afternoon in the lab:

My Favorite Technician: So, what ever happened with that experiment from last week?
Me: The experiment aided in the elucidation of a variety of critical system parameters.
MFT: Say what?
Me: The ground-breaking results have significant potential to impact the lives of millions of patients worldwide and to transform the ways in which we view modern medicine.
MFT: Give me some of that cheap weed that you've been smoking.

Don't worry- I'm trying hard to reintroduce normal English words back into my spoken vocabulary.

*Still no proof that more than one man reads this blog. I guess I haven't been writing enough about manly topics, such as my picks for the 2008-2009 hockey season or how to cook the perfect strip of bacon.

This and That

Two items:

1. I'd like to welcome an excellent new science blogger, Isis the Scientist, to our wonderful online community. She has some amusing things to say, and I hope she keeps us informed about the office romance down the hall.

2. As a scientist, I spend a lot of time working with pipets, which can often lead to sore thumbs at the end of the work day. Wouldn't it be nice to have an automated pipetting system? Eppendorf certainly thinks so. I don't know whether to applaud them or bitch slap them for coming up with that gem. I particularly enjoyed the lyrics concerning DNA and the use of a pipet as a prop on the beach. I am embarrassed for the people in this video, but I thank them for the laugh. Apparently, scientists have a sense of humor. I wouldn't know anything about that.

Writing Your Own Letter of Recommendation

This is by far one of the most awkward and uncomfortable things I have ever had to do in my academic life. From what I understand, it is not by any means unheard of to have to write your own letter of recommendation, but I've never had to do it before. Unfortunately, Extremely Famous Advisor does not have the time to put together a letter for someone he barely knows. So, I submit to you, dear reader, a letter of recommendation for myself.

To Whom it May Concern:

It is with extreme enthusiasm and delight that I offer my highest recommendation for the application of Dr. Candid Engineer. All truth be told, we were absolutely thrilled when Candid Engineer decided to join our research team despite the incredibly low pay and overwhelming, crack habit-inducing work atmosphere in my lab. Prior to coming to Brilliant University, Candid Engineer completed her doctoral work with Prof. Awesome Guy at Grad University, which is home to one of the most premiere Fruit research departments in the world (although Brilliant University and my own personal laboratory are way way better). This is totally a step up for Candid Engineer.

Candid Engineer came to us with incredible recommendations and an exceptional resume that really set her apart from the millions of other applications we receive on an annual basis for postdoctoral positions. My laboratory’s popularlity is truly awe-inspiring. As a grad student, Candid Engineer pioneered some areas of research that no one else really cared about while managing to win some spectacular awards, and although I’ve never read her publications, I bet they are stupendous.

Candid Engineer is a woman for all seasons. Since her arrival, she has truly impressed us with her inability to adapt to new circumstances and her overwhelming desires to hide from her insane labmates and work in the cold room. Candid Engineer thinks out of the box and is extremely likely to develop ingenious solutions that her supervisor will promptly shoot down. She reminds me of a native person in the wild, eagerly foraging for tasty (yet hard to obtain) high-flying fruit. Candid Engineer is a natural leader, whose friendliness and brutal honesty make her a colleague who others can only describe as difficult and scary. Additionally, she has some of the best breasts we have ever seen on a researcher at this stage of her career.

I am very excited to nominate Candid Engineer for a Postdoctoral Fellowship studying High-Flying Bananas and Mangos. Candid Engineer is well-suited to such a project, given her similar yet orthogonal abilities in Grapefruit gathering. She will provide unique and valuable perspective amidst of sea of monkeys and flying gnats.

In summary, Candid Engineer offers a complete package of candor, masochism, brilliance, good looks, and leadership skills. She is destined for a wonderful career in academia after the completion of her work in this lab, and we are confident that she will make us proud (although not as proud as some of my super terrific students have made me). She represents the upper half of upcoming scientists and has the potential to accomplish something or another at some stage of her career (even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in a while). I could not be more pleased to provide Candid Engineer with my very best, completely over-the-top recommendation.

Survival of the Fittest

Lately, I've been thinking about scientists and health. Exciting, I know.

More specifically, I've been wondering if people whose profession is directly related to health (e.g. biologists, biomedical scientists, bioengineers, clinicians, nurses, veterinarians, etc.) tend to be healthier than those who don't work in such fields. I have noticed that a fairly large proportion of science bloggers engage in some kind of semi-serious physical activity and seem to be pretty health-conscious. I have also noticed that there are a lot of good-looking people in my lab.

And I have been thinking about how my body will compare to those of my fit and trim labmates at an impeding summer beach party, good Lord.

But seriously, a lot of the people in my health-oriented lab are quite healthy! It blows my mind that I cannot think of a single overweight person in my (extremely populous) lab, well, except an administrative assistant. I am not sure what the reasons could be for such physical fitness on the part of my labmates, but I will offer the following possibilities:

1. People who do research on human disease are incredibly cognizant of the hazards of poor health and the horrible consequences of illness, and are subsequently more inclined to keep their own health in good to excellent condition.
2. My labmates have no time to eat (a claim which is substantiated by emails I receive from labmates at 4am looking for fifty milliliters of buffer or begging for the return of a long-lost HPLC column). If these people are worried about this kind of shit so late at night, then obviously they have no time to eat.
   
3. My labmates have no money for food. Like I've mentioned before, after I pay my household's rent, health insurance, and transportation expenses, I am left with precisely $110 per month for utilites, food, and recreation. It's astonishing that I haven't dwindled into a waif and been featured on the July 2008 cover of Vogue. [Feature story: SCIENCE- It's What's Eating You].
   
4. My labmates exercise like crazy. Unfortunately, this contradicts hypothesis #2. Impossible.
5. My labmates are limited by our lab space. Literally. There is no extra room in our lab, and this is strong incentive to keep one's weight in check. I wish I was joking on this one, but I'm really not. THERE IS NO SPACE. One of these days, I'm going to be operating a centrifuge out of my lap.
   

Of course, I could always refuse to attend the summer beach party to avoid comparison with the hot bods of my smarty pants labmates. After all, it is a pretty long drive, and I could make some excuse about having to calibrate my pipets for an important experiment. Alternatively, I could exercise like crazy for the next several weeks and watch every bite that goes into my mouth in the hopes that I will shed a few pounds and be transformed into some giant muscle. Maybe then I'll be able to keep up with Extremely Famous Advisor, who is known for his proclivity to prance around the beach and have photos taken without a shirt.