The Scene: I'm talking to my male colleague/friend at the end of the day by my lab bench. My long-time undergraduate student is packing up- he buttons up his coat and slings his backpack over his shoulder.
Undergrad to me: I'm probably heading out for the day.
Me to undergrad: Probably? Or certainly?
Colleague to undergrad: Don't take her shit.
After my undergrad leaves, my colleague says to me, only half-laughing: You're such a ball-buster.
--
I'm not sure why, but today, I hated being called a ball-buster. Because it's not like I'm going around looking to bust balls. It's not like I wouldn't have made the same smart-ass remark to a female undergraduate student (with whom I'm comfortable). It had nothing to do with bringing a man down to size.
But it got me thinking about the word. And that thinking just leaves me feeling squeamish and feeling guilty that I'd even be called such a thing. Are many, are most headstrong women prone to being labeled as people who long to grab and crush male genitalia?
And why isn't there an equivalent name-caller for men? Why not a titty-slapper? Or a pussy-puncher? What is the name for a man who threatens a woman's sense of gender identity?
I'm not even sure why this bothers me so much. I guess it's because I know that even though my friend/colleague was half-joking, he was also half-serious. He may perceive me, in the workplace, as being someone who is out for personal gain at the expense and pain of others, wrapped into some kind of gender schema. He may perceive me as someone who wants to put other people in their place.
I'm not sure.
But I'm left feeling deflated, just like my undergraduate's balls.
My Shit Isn't Working
I've been depressed, you see.
It's hard to blog and be upbeat about science and academia and other bullshit when I'm depressed.
Don't worry, I'm not clinically depressed. It's just that my shit isn't working. My data. My day, my night. My yin and my yang, my whole shebang.
Several months ago, I vowed that I would submit 3 or 4 manuscripts by June. I decided to turn up the heat. But I didn't think I've have to consider getting out of the oven.
Since November, I have been pouring my heart and soul into a project that was 95% guaranteed to work. For someone who loves to chase rainbows and who has too many high-risk projects to start with- this was a very tame idea. There was precedent, but there was also an awful lot of potential.
But the shit isn't working. It's the end of January, and it's looking very much like I've completely wasted the last 2+ months of my life. June is looming. I'm feeling kind of desperate.
Last week, I obtained data that made me cry. Data never makes me cry. But data has also never been this important to me in my whole entire life.
I need to regroup, refocus, and avoid the panicky feeling I get whenever I think about my projects. I need to try to focus on the positive. And I need to remember that if the absolute worst happens, and I can't apply for faculty positions come the fall- that I've got that NRSA now, and I can stick around this joint for another three years. It's an awesome, awesome place to be, and there are far worse fates than that.
p.s. Still tweaking the new look. The html to this template was commented in Spanish, so I'm having a hard time rearranging stuff. A shout out to the lovely Dr. Becca for the inspiration.
It's hard to blog and be upbeat about science and academia and other bullshit when I'm depressed.
Don't worry, I'm not clinically depressed. It's just that my shit isn't working. My data. My day, my night. My yin and my yang, my whole shebang.
Several months ago, I vowed that I would submit 3 or 4 manuscripts by June. I decided to turn up the heat. But I didn't think I've have to consider getting out of the oven.
Since November, I have been pouring my heart and soul into a project that was 95% guaranteed to work. For someone who loves to chase rainbows and who has too many high-risk projects to start with- this was a very tame idea. There was precedent, but there was also an awful lot of potential.
But the shit isn't working. It's the end of January, and it's looking very much like I've completely wasted the last 2+ months of my life. June is looming. I'm feeling kind of desperate.
Last week, I obtained data that made me cry. Data never makes me cry. But data has also never been this important to me in my whole entire life.
I need to regroup, refocus, and avoid the panicky feeling I get whenever I think about my projects. I need to try to focus on the positive. And I need to remember that if the absolute worst happens, and I can't apply for faculty positions come the fall- that I've got that NRSA now, and I can stick around this joint for another three years. It's an awesome, awesome place to be, and there are far worse fates than that.
p.s. Still tweaking the new look. The html to this template was commented in Spanish, so I'm having a hard time rearranging stuff. A shout out to the lovely Dr. Becca for the inspiration.
25
comments
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Got It
Well, the wait was long, so long... but the NIH has finally sent me an award notice- my NRSA fellowship application has been funded! Two years into my postdoc, I can check "ability to secure funding" off of my list.
It's taken a long time to get through the process. I started working on my first submission in June of 2008, and wrote a couple of amusing posts on adopting grant lingo and the awkwardness of writing my own letter of recommendation. I submitted the shit in August, and by November 2008, had received my (less than stellar) scores. I handled the low score pretty well, but found the summary statement hard to stomach.
So I geared up again and submitted a revision in April 2009. I addressed most of the reviewer critiques with relatively inconsequential changes, but the real difference is that I poured a schload of information into the 'Training Potential' section. Apparently, the peeps at the NIH really want to know how you're going to be motherfucking trained. Oh, and I told them. I mentioned every last crippling detail about going to conferences with my advisor, hand in hand, having biweekly heat-to-hearts (Ha!!!) and having him prepare me for my future academic career. It was nauseating, but I slapped that shit down on paper and sent it off. Seemed to do the trick.
My scores came through in July:
Impact/priority score: 20
Percentile: 6 (!!)
For those unfamiliar with the scoring system, priority scores are given to the top half of proposals and can range from 10-90. The percentile means that my application scored higher than 94% of the other applications.
W00t!!!
Given that paylines are usually around 13% (I think) for NRSA applications, I was feeling really good. 6% should have done it. But I was nervous about the new scoring system, and didn't know if paylines would get screwed up.
So I waited. For SIX months, I waited. I felt asleep at night, wondering, "Oh NIH, will you ever let me know???"
But, finally, finally. This week I got notice. Almost two years from the time I started my first application to the time of award notification. Jeez, that's a long time.
I'm of course thrilled that I got the fellowship, but admittedly, it feels rather anti-climatic after all of the waiting.
So if you're drinking tonight, have a glass of something for me. Preferably an Irish car bomb, but a lemon-drop martini, diet rum & coke, or Amstel Light are acceptable alternatives, depending on how fancy/hammered you want to get.
It's taken a long time to get through the process. I started working on my first submission in June of 2008, and wrote a couple of amusing posts on adopting grant lingo and the awkwardness of writing my own letter of recommendation. I submitted the shit in August, and by November 2008, had received my (less than stellar) scores. I handled the low score pretty well, but found the summary statement hard to stomach.
So I geared up again and submitted a revision in April 2009. I addressed most of the reviewer critiques with relatively inconsequential changes, but the real difference is that I poured a schload of information into the 'Training Potential' section. Apparently, the peeps at the NIH really want to know how you're going to be motherfucking trained. Oh, and I told them. I mentioned every last crippling detail about going to conferences with my advisor, hand in hand, having biweekly heat-to-hearts (Ha!!!) and having him prepare me for my future academic career. It was nauseating, but I slapped that shit down on paper and sent it off. Seemed to do the trick.
My scores came through in July:
Impact/priority score: 20
Percentile: 6 (!!)
For those unfamiliar with the scoring system, priority scores are given to the top half of proposals and can range from 10-90. The percentile means that my application scored higher than 94% of the other applications.
W00t!!!
Given that paylines are usually around 13% (I think) for NRSA applications, I was feeling really good. 6% should have done it. But I was nervous about the new scoring system, and didn't know if paylines would get screwed up.
So I waited. For SIX months, I waited. I felt asleep at night, wondering, "Oh NIH, will you ever let me know???"
But, finally, finally. This week I got notice. Almost two years from the time I started my first application to the time of award notification. Jeez, that's a long time.
I'm of course thrilled that I got the fellowship, but admittedly, it feels rather anti-climatic after all of the waiting.
So if you're drinking tonight, have a glass of something for me. Preferably an Irish car bomb, but a lemon-drop martini, diet rum & coke, or Amstel Light are acceptable alternatives, depending on how fancy/hammered you want to get.
27
comments
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
No Barking, No Whimpering, No Nothing
I can't seem to open my mouth.
If I tried, I don't think anything would come out.
Figure 1: Candid Engineer, attractive and well-groomed yet unable to speak her mind.
If I tried, I don't think anything would come out.
Figure 1: Candid Engineer, attractive and well-groomed yet unable to speak her mind.
7
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Saturday, January 16, 2010
Where I've Been and Where I'm Going
2009 was an important and wonderful year in my professional development. It was my 2nd year spent in this mega-lab, a 2nd year marked by comfort and excitement instead of the fish-out-of-water feelings I endured during 2008.
By and large, I loved 2009. It was a full, complete year spent hooked up to my anti-anxiety medication. It was the very first year of my life that I can tell you I lived happily. I have never experienced any greater gift.
My workload in 2009 was heavy. I started working a lot harder. A lot longer. I started getting hungry. But my medication helped me take everything in stride, and my stress level was lower than any other year I can remember. Those pills have made me a better scientist. Weird, but true.
I am absolutely pumped for 2010!
No seriously, I love the lab I work in, I love being at Brilliant University, and I love (almost) all of the opportunities that come my way. What an adventure! This place can be so exciting, that it's almost hard to imagine what might come up during the coming year.
I don't think it will be an easy year. I need to pump out a shit-ton of awesome science in the first half of the year. I need to write up and submit at least 3 manuscripts by early summer. I need to develop a compelling research proposal for TT applications, and I need to submit those applications as the end of the year approaches. I smile a little just thinking about it, and I wonder if I can do it.
I'll try my best. I always try my best.
By and large, I loved 2009. It was a full, complete year spent hooked up to my anti-anxiety medication. It was the very first year of my life that I can tell you I lived happily. I have never experienced any greater gift.
My workload in 2009 was heavy. I started working a lot harder. A lot longer. I started getting hungry. But my medication helped me take everything in stride, and my stress level was lower than any other year I can remember. Those pills have made me a better scientist. Weird, but true.
I am absolutely pumped for 2010!
No seriously, I love the lab I work in, I love being at Brilliant University, and I love (almost) all of the opportunities that come my way. What an adventure! This place can be so exciting, that it's almost hard to imagine what might come up during the coming year.
I don't think it will be an easy year. I need to pump out a shit-ton of awesome science in the first half of the year. I need to write up and submit at least 3 manuscripts by early summer. I need to develop a compelling research proposal for TT applications, and I need to submit those applications as the end of the year approaches. I smile a little just thinking about it, and I wonder if I can do it.
I'll try my best. I always try my best.
8
comments
Friday, January 1, 2010
Happy New Year to My Rambunctious Readers!!
I don't know who the hell most of you are, but let me send my best wishes to you for a happy new year!!!! W00t! W00t!!!
Merry 2010. May your life be filled with love, light, and satisfaction in the new year.
All my love,
And kisses,
CE
Merry 2010. May your life be filled with love, light, and satisfaction in the new year.
All my love,
And kisses,
CE
14
comments
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Lend Me a Hand or Shut Up
When I first started up at Brilliant University, it took me about 10 months to identify some of the tastiest Mangoes of all time. This was all well and good, but the next obvious question was why my Mangoes were so damn tasty. And so I embarked on one of the more frustrating aspects of WhatIDoTM: elucidating Mango mechanisms.
And why is mechanism elucidation so frustrating? Because I'm basically searching for a goddamn needle in a haystack, that's why. All I can do is make an educated guess at the reason for the tastiness, and then spend forever and a day learning a new technique to tell me whether my guess is responsible for the tastiness. Ahahahahaha!!!!
I've now spent a year looking for the reason. Yes, I've acquired some "neat" data as well as a much-expanded experimental repertoire, but I haven't come across anything that answers my question.
I've begun to get really frustrated when I present my work. It's gotten to the point anymore where no one even seems to care about how tasty my Mangoes are- all they care about is why it's happening. Find me any random scientist, have them listen to my presentation or look at my poster, and I will bet you 20 bucks that they will say something like:
Well, obviously the reason for the tastiness must be phenomenon X. All you need to do is learn Obscure-Technique-that-only-I-know and voila! You will have your answer.
This scientist will usually imply that I am stupid for not having already pursued that particular possibility.
Hey, assholes! Part of me knows that you're just trying to be helpful and/or make yourself feel smart by searching for some applicability for your obscure skillset... but fuck you! Fuck you for constantly telling me that I haven't done enough! That I need to "look harder" for the answer! Fuck you for refusing to appreciate the fact that I discovered something cool. I'm sorry that I can't serve you cake and stuff it in your gaping mouth, too.
I am sick and tired of people telling me that I just need to do "one more thing". I don't have time to do "one more thing". I've wasted enough energy, time, and resources on this wild goose chase.
I've begun telling people that if they are so confident that their suggested technique is going to be the answer to my prayers, then they have an open invitation to join me in my lab and do the work that is "so easy" and "won't take any time at all". And I would be happy to make them an author on my paper when the shit works.
Ahahahahaa!!!
You should see the look on these people's faces me when I ask them if they want to help me in the lab. Best way to end a conversation I have ever found.
And why is mechanism elucidation so frustrating? Because I'm basically searching for a goddamn needle in a haystack, that's why. All I can do is make an educated guess at the reason for the tastiness, and then spend forever and a day learning a new technique to tell me whether my guess is responsible for the tastiness. Ahahahahaha!!!!
I've now spent a year looking for the reason. Yes, I've acquired some "neat" data as well as a much-expanded experimental repertoire, but I haven't come across anything that answers my question.
I've begun to get really frustrated when I present my work. It's gotten to the point anymore where no one even seems to care about how tasty my Mangoes are- all they care about is why it's happening. Find me any random scientist, have them listen to my presentation or look at my poster, and I will bet you 20 bucks that they will say something like:
Well, obviously the reason for the tastiness must be phenomenon X. All you need to do is learn Obscure-Technique-that-only-I-know and voila! You will have your answer.
This scientist will usually imply that I am stupid for not having already pursued that particular possibility.
Hey, assholes! Part of me knows that you're just trying to be helpful and/or make yourself feel smart by searching for some applicability for your obscure skillset... but fuck you! Fuck you for constantly telling me that I haven't done enough! That I need to "look harder" for the answer! Fuck you for refusing to appreciate the fact that I discovered something cool. I'm sorry that I can't serve you cake and stuff it in your gaping mouth, too.
I am sick and tired of people telling me that I just need to do "one more thing". I don't have time to do "one more thing". I've wasted enough energy, time, and resources on this wild goose chase.
I've begun telling people that if they are so confident that their suggested technique is going to be the answer to my prayers, then they have an open invitation to join me in my lab and do the work that is "so easy" and "won't take any time at all". And I would be happy to make them an author on my paper when the shit works.
Ahahahahaa!!!
You should see the look on these people's faces me when I ask them if they want to help me in the lab. Best way to end a conversation I have ever found.
8
comments
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
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