Nothing but Nature

Academic tagged me with a meme the other day, and although I don’t really know what a meme is, I thought this would be a good segue into topic o’ the day. The rules are to create a 6-word ‘memoir’ (which I have interpreted as ‘statement’) and to post it along with a picture.

Big paper. It’s what’s for dinner.

Given that I live in the academic world, I have always been aware of the Holy Grails of publishing: Nature, Science, and maybe some other one-word wonders. I occasionally came across such papers in grad school, and I would read them, usually think they were pretty nice, and file them into the unorganized void in the back of my head.

Here at Brilliant U., it has been brought to my attention that I have not been paying proper homage to the Jesus of Journals all of these years. But salvation is mine to be had! I should cast out my trade journals! Throw anything with an impact factor less than 7 to the back of my closet! I should repent for my diverse journal-reading ways!

To put it succinctly, some of my coworkers are obsessed with the big journals of this world. They believe two things which I do not:

1. Anything published in a big journal is a god-send to Science.
2. Anything published anywhere else is not worth reading.

It is the blind loyalty with which I take issue. For two reasons:

1. Sometimes the revered journals publish crappy Science. For example, most of the articles published in PNAS are not subjected to (thorough) peer review because either the authors have a friend who is a member of the academy (Track 1) or one of the authors is a member of the academy (Track 3). Although most members are probably loathe to embarrass themselves by communicating garbage science to a prestigious journal organization, the fact of the matter is that plenty of crap gets through… enough to make me realize that coworker belief #1 is just not true.
2. It goes without saying that there is plenty of quality science going on at non-Nature level. Fundamental studies that make significant headway in the understanding of basic scientific issues often wind up in trade journals. Sometimes, it is precisely this *understanding* that leads to Really Cool Application on the cover of Nature Biotech. We often overlook this key point.

I try not to get too worked up about the paper-reading preferences of my strange colleagues, but the longer I am here, the more I have to laugh. These people are really missing out.

Flatter Me Silly

Ever since I was a child, I have lived in fear of being labeled as 'smart'. My pre-college years were spent attending relatively small schools with a relatively low number of advanced students. In grade school, I was teased mercilessly whenever I scored well on an exam, and my only high school boyfriend dumped me when I was announced as valedictorian (he admitted that it would "look bad" for him to associate himself with someone of such academic success). Subsequently, I always enjoyed attending Public Undergrad and Grad Universities, where I could satisfy myself by attending prestigious programs, but there was blissful anonymity in the university name.

Working at Brilliant University is another story. Ever since making the move to my new city and academic home, I am often asked about my occupation by new acquaintances/complete strangers/etc. Something along the lines of, "So what brings you to New City?" I then tell the questioner that I have recently started a position as a postdoctoral researcher at Brilliant University. If the person is not an academic (as most random people are not), s/he will almost always reply with some variation of, "Oh, my! You must be so smart!"

Given my life experiences, this comment makes me cringe every time. How to respond? I submit to the reader the following options:

1. "Oh, no I'm not!"
2. "Yes, I am very smart."
3. "Actually, I am f%!# brilliant. I will win a Nobel Prize by the time I am 30."
4. "Thank you."

Here are my corresponding opinions:

1. This is my instinctive answer. To plead, "Don't hate me, I'm just like you!" Unfortunately, this answer is false. And I am anything but a liar.
2. This answer is true, but I don't like it. I think it's rude to talk about being smart, especially around people who might not be as smart.
3. This is how my Most Arrogant Colleague at Brilliant University would respond. I would have to be drunk to even consider giving this patently asinine (and false) answer.
4. At first, this seems to be the most gracious reply. However, by accepting the compliment, I would feel that I am really answering with Option #2.
   

In reality, I have found all of these answers to be unsatisfactory. The only solution, I decided, would be to invoke Humor while also being completely truthful. Now, when someone says, "You must be so smart!", I simply smile and reply, "My husband tells me otherwise."

Low-Lying Fruit Flies High

I have attended N useless meetings during my first two months at Brilliant U., where N is greater than my age (in years). Usually, I am brought into these meetings (that have nothing to do with me or my research) because I am an expert in sub-subtopic X, and I may be able to lend a fresh perspective on what someone considers to be an interesting problem.

Typically, these meetings have two things in common:
1. I never have any idea what the hell is going on. The main players make such a show over their jargon-filled language, they may as well be speaking 13th century Icelandic. A scientific meeting with my grandmother would be more interesting.
2. There is always a discussion about pursuing "low-lying fruit".

It is the ever-present fruit comments that give me pause for further thought. I can't help but to imagine a giant tree of research, too large and dangerous for most people to climb. Suddenly, an enticing cluster of {fantasy fruit of choice} comes into view, just beyond the reach of my grabby hands. Boy, does that fruit look tasty.

Come on, people. This is Brilliant University!!! For as smart as you all think you are, SOMEONE must be able to get to the high-flying fruit. And for the love of God, why are we talking in terms of fruit???

First Things Second

My husband tells me that any Proper blog will provide exciting background information right off the bat. Although I would consider 'background' and 'exciting' to be incompatible words, I've decided to take my husband's advice (a rare event, indeed), and engage you, the reader, with a scintillating description of my pseudononymous existence.

I am an engineer or a scientist, depending on who you ask. If I am an engineer, then I am an engineer in name only. In essence, I study fundamental topics which, when the stars are aligned, lend themselves to interesting applications.

I am a product of the public university system. Both my undergrad and grad degrees came from Top Tier Public Universities, and I have always been proud that I could get such a great education from places that didn't make anyone drool. Recently, in an attempt to extend my academic career, I uprooted our delicious existence in GradSchool City and dragged my loving husband across the country.

I am now in a *very different* place. If you look carefully, you may find me in a sea of about 5 million postdoctoral researchers working in the lab of Famous Professor at Brilliant University. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but I guess I didn't really think that people at Brilliant U. could be so astonishingly arrogant. WRONG!

You may ask why I would move to Brilliant U. after such happy experiences at state universities, and the simple answer is that my position here is a great opportunity. I will try to make the most of it. In the meantime, I have plenty of fresh fodder for the academically-inclined blogosphere, and I thought I'd give it a go. I hope the internets will be on my side.

Safety Training

Two months into my stint as a postdoc at Brilliant University, I am still navigating what has to be the world's most extensive series of online safety training courses (and the quizzes that accompany them). These 'quizzes' can be described as nothing short of fierce. You always have to score >= 90%, and the format is Death-by- Multiple Choice. You know the type:

Question #128: Here at Brilliant U., 'safety' is considered to be:
A. The primary mission of the Vague Campus Committee on Safe Acts
B. Awesome
C. Your PI's password for the Sigma Aldrich website
D. Unimportant to the U.S. government
E. Only A and B are correct
F. Both B and D are correct
G. Only D is incorrect

The good news is that I think I am out of the woods. I submitted my last major quiz a few days ago and received a 94%, which is nothing short of a miracle.