Is that an Acid or an Ass?

So yesterday I was trying to make a chemical solution (good Lord, people, take cover).

I was searching around for one of the ingredients and had managed to assemble a little posse of my (male) colleagues to help me find the chemical. We decided it must be beneath one of the fume hoods.

As I bent over to pull the bottle out from under the hood... rrrrrrrip! My pants split. In a very serious way. A good 8-inch split from the top of the pocket all the way down to my nether-regions.

I was wearing minimalistic undergarments, and as such, my firmed, toned, and tan ass (HA!) was left totally exposed before the eyes of my male coworkers.

They immediately scattered, muttering things like "Oh, I'm glad you found the chemical..."

Now all I need to do is accidentally expose a breast one of these days, and we will be all set.

Six Random Things about Candid Engineer

Apparently, DrdrA and PhizzleDizzle want to know six random things about me. Perhaps they think that I may possess some randomness in addition to my candidness (and also awesomeness). So here are some tidbits for those of you interested in my non-academic side.

Regarding the meme rules: fuck the rules. I don't follow rules.

1. I don't like chocolate.
2. When I was a young child, I had a fuzzy green blanket on my bed. More often than my mother cares to remember, I would pick the green fuzzies off of my blanket and stuff them up my nose (to simulate having boogers). My mother would have to pull them out with tweezers.
3. I can hand roll a kayak.
4. In lieu of a valedictory speech at my high school graduation, I sang 'The Way You Look Tonight' by Frank Sinatra. It was probably way more interesting, and I got a standing ovation.
   
5. My favorite ballroom dance to perform is the cha-cha.
   
6. On Friday night, I got drunk off of two Coors Lights. (No, I don't enjoy Coors Light; and yes, I have fallen off of my game.)
   

Candid Google Searches

I suppose one would hope that the google search hits on one's blog would be relevant to the general conversation of that blog. With my prized cache of writing... not so much. Yes, yes, I get a million and one hits on writing letters of recommendations and also a few on postdoc interviews, but by and large, the google hits on my blog are downright bizarre. Since it amuses me so much, I thought I'd share with my darling readers a sampling of my most recent google search hits:

1. candid panties: There are a lot of sick fucks out there looking for 'candid' photos of all sorts of strange and naughty things. Panties is definitely my most common 'candid' hit. Sorry to disappoint, pervs. I try to avoid posting pictures of myself in various stages of undress on this website.
   
   
2. I'm tired of being an engineer: No magic solutions here. I suggest you grow a pair and seek out some alternative lucrative position. I hear garbage men are well-paid.
   
   
3. removing ink from lab coats: How the hell do I know? Throw the fucker out and get another! Or ask the domestic authority. She'll probably tell you to use hairspray.
   
   
4. sexual favor thanks for recommendation letter: Holy mother of God.
   
   
5. What party am I: scientist, academic, or mac user?: You're an idiot.
   
   
6. Are female engineers horny?: Good question, sir! Are you trying to figure out what kind of woman you'd like to bone? It is certainly my pleasure to inform you that female engineers make excellent lovers.
   

Teaching Dirty Slang to Colleagues

I have a fun colleague in my lab from a foreign country who moved to the U.S. when he entered grad school. As a non-native English speaker, he has made excellent strides in speaking more fluently, and he is always interested in learning new phrases. In particular, he often comes to me to learn about American idioms. I love the opportunity to explain to him phrases that I take for granted, and his sense of humor makes it even more enjoyable.

A few months ago, my colleague came to me and said, "I was reading on the internets and came across a phrase that I do not understand." So I asked him what the word was.

He replied, "Camel toe."

Of course, at that point, I almost wet my pants. But I proceeded to explain what a camel toe is. My colleague does sometimes ask me (unknowingly) about dirty words, and I always explain. But I also always tell him if a word is inappropriate to use in polite company*.

To my delight, my colleague said, "Oh yes, I know the meaning of this word. We have an equivalent in my native language, which roughly translates to 'an axe that is thrown and splits in two'." Ahahaha!!! Apparently, the fabulous phenomenon of the camel toe is universal.

---

*My colleague likes to practice using his new phrases in conversation. In one incident, after I taught him the definition of 'molest', my colleague asked our supervisor not to molest him if his experiments didn't go well. After that slip-up, I have always been careful to qualify the types of settings in which language is appropriate.

The Candid Recovering Catholic

Dr. Jekyll has been so kind as to put her religious views as a scientist on display, and I thought I would join her in the confessional. It is Sunday after all, so this, perhaps, is a fitting post.

The Roman Catholics claimed me as a baby, and I attended parochial school until I left home for college. I know the catechism, I know the rules, and I know the true meaning of guilt. All this from a very young age. I can't say that I ever really bought into it, though. The organization, the structure, the concept that I commit a mortal sin every Sunday that I miss Mass. I am, at heart, a pick-and-choose Catholic, perhaps a recovering Catholic. I would probably make a better Jew. Or Buddhist. But it really doesn't matter.

As for the meme, it seems to only be written for people who are atheists, so I am going to ignore the questions and write as I please.

I am not an atheist. I believe in God. I remember the day that I decided I definitely believed in God. I was a senior in high school, and we were learning about apologetics (the defense of the faith) in theology class. We were presented with the "cosmological argument" as a proof of God's existence, among others. I found it to be particularly compelling, as it did not and does not compete with any of the beliefs I have developed about science.

Generally, the cosmological argument says that something had to start all of this (i.e. the universe). As a scientist, I believe the first law of thermodynamics to hold true: energy can neither be created nor destroyed. And from that, I have to wonder: way back at the beginning of time, where did all of that energy come from? Something must have put it there. Thus, God. In my life. The original creator.

But that is where all of the certainty ends for me. I am unconvinced that God has had any further influence on the course of the universe or humanity. I am a firm believer in the scientific merit of the Big Bang and evolutionary theory. And as such, I have a hard time subscribing to most of the things I am supposed to as a Catholic.

Yes, I pray, sometimes. Mainly to Mary, but also to the Big Guy. More in a meditative sense than a traditional sense. I am not regular about it. And I don't know if anyone is listening, but it usually does me some good just to calm down and reflect on my situation.

If anything, I think of God as peace. As infinity. As all of the things I don't understand.

And the scientist in me is okay with this. A-okay. The only real difficulty is in convincing my parents that I'm not going to hell.

Lessons from a Lady CEO

It was odd to go to a seminar the other day that was not dominated by equations and graphs. The honored guest, a female CEO, delivered more of a speech than a seminar presentation and used powerpoint only to highlight her key advice.

Even though her wisdom was directed at a bunch of business school students, I thought she offered some good advice for anyone in a managerial position, academia included. Here are her thoughts on becoming an awesome leader:

1. Trust: You need the people who work with you to trust you, or else your ship is sunk. You have to follow through on what you say, and you need to actively support your team in order to foster a sense of loyalty. People turn into bad employees when they do not trust their boss and/or their organization.
   
   In academia, I have seen this time and time again (as I'm sure you have, too), mainly in the form of PI-trainee relationships. In general, the "good" advisors who treat their students fairly and with respect earn the trust of their students, and the students give back by working harder and accomplishing more. The shitty advisors who treat their students like nitwit peons create little incentive for their students to perform well.
   
   
2. Team: In other words, you cannot go it alone. You need people to help and support you. This is an obvious part of life for the typical PI, who has multiple students and postdocs working under him or her. It is less obvious for postdocs and for grad students.
   
   A great example of this is our opportunity here at Brilliant University to work with undergraduate research interns. There is an abundant supply of intelligent, capable students willing to do my grunt work learn new research skills. Many of my colleagues choose not to work with an intern because they don't trust the intern to do a good job. They cannot fathom the concept that anyone else could be as dedicated and talented at pipetting as they are.
   
   I say, please people, give me a break. If you train your intern well, your intern is likely to outperform even you. At the end of the summer, of course, the skeptical colleagues then asked me how it was that I had gotten so much done. The obvious answer is that two people can get a lot more done than one person alone. Team is essential. I'd like to tell them to remove their heads from their asses, but that probably wouldn't go over well.
   
   
3. Self-awareness: As leaders, we cannot stumble around oblivious to our own strengths and weaknesses. It is crucial to obtain consistent feedback from the people we depend upon as well as the people who depend upon us. We need to constructively evalutate ourselves so that we can continually evolve into something better.
   

So that is that. Not super exciting material, I know, but the simplicity of the CEO's advice touched me, and I think I can take it and use it to be a better researcher and role model.

--
Happy Saturday, everyone. This is one of those mornings when I am so content to be alive, standing on my porch, pajama-clad, in the nippy air, drinking my sweetened coffee.

I am Part of the Problem

Yesterday, a friend asked if I wanted to go to an on-campus seminar being given by the CEO of a big national company. Given the unique opportunity, I said 'sure'.

So my friend and I made our way over to the building where the seminar was being held. We were running a bit late, and there were lots of people milling about. My friend hurriedly dragged me through a doorway that had a seminar sign with a woman's picture on it. I didn't have a chance to read the writing.

I shouted to my friend, "Are we in the right place?"

Indeed, we were. My friend hadn't told me, and I had just subconsciously assumed that a big-to-do CEO would be a man.

My friend later asked me if I had realized my own retardedness. And yes, I had. This recognition is what I hope makes a difference. Being aware of my own misconceptions and hypocrisies helps me to consciously change my attitudes, and to hopefully live what I preach.

Separating the Boys from the Girls

My eight-year old goddaughter has recently entered the third grade and is having some difficulty adapting to the more advanced learning environment. Specifically, she was used to everything coming easily to her and never having to "try too hard".

She feels particularly downtrodden about her math class. Indeed, third grade is the stage when math starts getting a lot more complicated. Rounding, multiplication tables, etc. My goddaughter resents the fact that she has to put forth a lot more effort and feels like a failure because the subject material is no longer straightforward. She has proclaimed that math is "too hard" for her, and she doesn't want to do it anymore.

I wish that I lived closer to home so that I had the opportunity to talk to her more often. She is a smart girl, and it's not right for her to be discouraged so easily by a little math. Her mom has tried to convey to her that "we all need math", but this has done little to dissuade her from her notion that the subject matter sucks the big nut.

I had the chance to spend time with my goddaughter this past weekend, and I wanted to try to talk to her about what was going on. I can't say that I know how to talk to a child, and I didn't really know how to effectively encourage her. I briefly pulled her aside, and told her that I knew how difficult math can be. I said that, sometimes, the most difficult things in school can turn out to be the most fun and the most interesting. Just because something is challenging doesn't mean that we can't do it.

I think that's a difference between boys and girls. When girls encounter something difficult, they are often inclined to label it as "too hard" and slink away into the shadows. When boys encounter something difficult, they say "oh, this is a freaking beastly challenge and I'm going to tackle it". What gives?

I won't be upset if my goddaughter decides to pursue a career in writing or history or interior decorating if that's what she likes to do best, but I'm going to be damned upset if she decides not to be a scientist or engineer because her third grade math class scared her into submission.

She didn't say anything when I talked to her, but I think she heard me.

Beauty and the Beastly Questions

This weekend, my sister and I decided to treat ourselves to some salon offerings at a local beauty school. We had two young women work on us (~19 years old), and perhaps the kindest word I can use to describe them would be 'unprofessional'. A more realistic assessment would include the descriptor 'cheap bimbo'.

All in all, our experience was unique, time-consuming, and downright terrifying. For this reason, I cannot recommend beauty schools to my readers, even if you are looking to save a few bucks. I can recommend them, however, if you are in the mood for a circus show.

The most memorable part of our excursion had to be the interrogation conducted by our two fine trainees during the course of the services. These young ladies have no potential for a future career in an HR department or really in any profession where privacy laws must be followed.

Here is a sampling of the questions fired off in rapid succession by our young beauty attendants:

1. How old are you?
2. How much money do you make?
3. What's your religion?
4. Are you married?
5. How many kids do you have?
6. (When responding 'no kids'), how many times have you been pregnant?
7. Well, how many kids are you gonna have?
8. (To my sister), What is your ethnicity?
   
9. (Then, perplexed as to why my sister and I don't look a lot alike), Well, do the two of you come from different fathers?

HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Come from different fathers!?!?!? At that point, I almost lost my junk.

All I could think the whole time was, what if these questions were being asked of me at an interview? Ha! I think my department at Brilliant University is looking for a new chair of the search committee. Maybe I should have asked for these young ladies' resumes?

The Young Candid Engineer Drinks Tea

This morning, I was thinking about the time of my life when I was coming to independence. I was about 14, and already feeling like I knew it all. One weekend night, I had the rare and exciting opportunity to go to a diner with a friend of mine for a chat. "Oh," I thought to myself, "I am finally turning into an adult! Adults go to diners at night all the time!" *

So my friend and I went to the diner, giggling with excitement and pride, and pulled up a chair. I decided that I would have a hot tea, which of course was a very adult choice. The waitress asked if I would like lemon or cream in my tea.

Ahh, yes.

And then the worldly young Candid Engineer, after thinking about her options, told the waitress that she would have both.

Well, I almost died on the spot when the waitress laughed at me and said, "Honey, they'll curdle! You can't have both!"

My young and headstrong ego deflated on the spot. Mortification and embarrassment. It was at that fragile moment in my life that I decided to become a scientist, so that I could avoid curdled drinks, and have a reason to be cocky again. A scientist would never order tea with lemon and cream. No, no- this scientist prefers curdled beverages of the alcoholic variety.

*Not so much.